everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
