My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
