the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
