There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
