WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
