does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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