i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
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i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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