Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
