I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
