You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
