hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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