i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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