Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
