tell your sister to shave her snatch
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
