im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
