Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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