hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Terrible idea I love it
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
