I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i came on her dog
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
