I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
