ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
