thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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