she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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