Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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