Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
