Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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