im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's never too late to be topless.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
