I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
