I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
