The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
