Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Soap is not a condiment
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
