Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
