I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
