Actions speak louder than pants.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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