hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
