there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
