You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
