I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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