apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
