I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
