can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
