You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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