my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
