I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
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Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
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I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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