when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
