why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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