I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
