It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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