she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
