I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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