May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
