After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
