Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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