What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
