upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I can't turn off my feet"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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