A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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