I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
